I'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

Its true ... but since Chris and I can't currently afford internet I don't get online at all more than once or twice a week. To be honest I miss the communicatory part but I don't miss the internet as much as a thought.

However most of my blogging efforts are either the photoblog or 'our'blog and I don't really foresee that changing until our income changes significantly - which isn't likely to happen before this time next year.

I am keeping my lj in hopeful anticipation of that time but if you want to see what I am up to - it is best to check elsewhere for now.

edit: visiting my friends page reminded me that I am in denial about missing the internet ... you guys are so cool, I mean really.

I have kittens. One of the MANY neighborhood cats who loves our yard left them here and we brought them in and have been feeding/caring for them. It is good times. A little crazy. Chris is letting us keep one (and he is actually excited.

It feels strange for everyone around me to be moving into exam/summer mode while my life remains much the same.

I feel listless. Marginally unsatisfied - perhaps because since the fire my photography has continued to slide away - and trust me it was not a big enough deal to justify that.

Student loan repayments start soon and in less than a month I will be a married woman. I sometimes try to envision what it will be like for us to finally be married and living together for the rest of our life. I don't make much progress in those thoughts beyond trying to figure out how to decorate the apartment, how we will work out this plan of Chris' to read through the bible together in its entirety this year, and awkward thoughts about "relations" - overall they seem like shallow visualizations.


I like the outside - but not the bug bites.

That is all.

On top of the wedding planning crazy (which doesn't really feel stressful but that could be just because I am an excellent procrastinator last week I caused a minor kitchen fire and the stress of dealing with that aftermath has weighed heavily on me. Right now I am ok - but that is because I have a plan of sorts that my landlady loves so we shall just have to see how that pans out.

Chris got his old powerbook fixed up for me so I have a real laptop (versus a portable desktop) and that is exciting. Although my learning curve is a little slow.

I am off from work today and I have a million things I want to do (especially thank you notes and laundry oh yeah and showering) but I wanted to say a little hey.

Yesterday I had a wedding shower with my friends ... it ended up being just my bridesmaids (sans one), my roommates, and one other friend but we still had fun.

I think it is funny that the two most prolonged discussions that we had were about romantic comedies (and that was kind of a friendly arguement) and wedding decorations - my plans and aspirations.

One monday I get to visit the woman doctor and get a dress fitting - fun times eh?

Life and wedding planning are coming along well. Apparently I will be Mrs. Fox in 61 days - that is a little daunting but exciting.

This weekend we were at a shower organized by all of the little ladies who watch Chris grow up in church. It was sweet and surprisingly non-awkward because it was a drop in and for the most part after talking briefly to Chris and I the ladies were content to mingle among themselves and watch the video our Moms put together of our growing up photos. The only kind of awkward part was my sister's decision to let this be the occasion during which she gave me the zigzag martini glasses we registered for (while most of you know my love for fun and frivolous glasses these sweet little southern baptist ladies don't really know me at all - but whatevs)

We have been trying to find a place to live. We found one we both like that is really close to campus, big enough, and basically reasonably priced, but we have a few places left to check out before we commit officially. Life feels weird, transitions are like that I suppose.

I haven't been reading as much as I would like, but here are my recent completions

Feb 17 - Crazy Love by Francis Chan
It was a phenomenal book. I would recommend it unflinchingly because he addresses issues where we are not living as the church ought, but he does it from a place of love. Loving the church and the reader - not just pointing to specks.

Feb 26- Ish by Peter Reynolds
It doesn't really count toward my goal of reading 3 books a month since it is a kids book (in the way curious gorge is not in the way that Narnia is) but it is also wonderful. It is basically about a boy giving himself the freedom to create. I want to own this someday - and read it often.

Mar 10 - Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
My first reaction is merely to sigh. Jane Austen somehow manages to run the entirety of my emotions through a ringer - even though there is never a moment where you can doubt the ultimate happiness of her main characters. The circumstances are not suspenseful, no one's life is ever in any real jeopardy and yet there were moments were I could not read more than a page or two without having to stop in utter consternation and overflowing emotion (of course I found myself at those pages while in the company of my fiancee and his 18 year old brother and they were not sympathetic to my plight) . Personally I think Jane Austen is brilliant beyond reason. You don't have to agree with me, but I love her.

Keeping up with my photoblog has been going pretty well (largely because I discovered the joy of scheduled posts, which are perfect for people who don't necessarily get online daily) - I am rediscovering how much beauty the world holds and that is lovely. I am even entering a piece from the beginning of the year in a juried show in Anderson - so we shall see how that goes.

I have started a new concept/project in my photoblog - it is called "A Week of Hours" and it ultimately stems from my unwillingness not to find use from things .... especially thoughtful gifts

Chris and I are starting to get back on target with keeping up the wedding blog (and sometimes I even write about things other than my dress)

The wedding shower last weekend was fun, low key and fun. AND shocker of all shockers I got all of my thank you notes out yesterday (it helps that I only had to send about 10 and that it was one of three things I had the energy to attempt while I felt like puking death on Thursday).

It is funny how living with people (particularly four other women - just as crazy as me but all in our own unique way) makes you realize quirks that you never knew you had. For instance, it turns out that I really can not stand for cups to be stored with the lip down on the cupboard. Not that this has come up recently - I just think it is interesting and sooooooooo good for Chris and I that I have had a chance to learn some of these things now (so I will actually for really believe that our household disagreements are not all because he is wrong).

Also I have realized that I am rather non-confrontational and a little passive aggressive. For some reason I just thought myself to be great at bringing up things that bothered me (probably because I am loud and after 2.5 years as an RA I know the "right" ways to deal with conflict so why wouldn't I use them?) but I have learned when given an unconscious choice I bottle my emotions, strike back in sneaky/passive ways, and then blow up all at once (usually the day or two before that special monthly time). All of the things I have spent years urging others not to do.

So I may not have liked His Needs Her Needs on the first read through (ok I didn't at all really) but I have to say I think it will be effective at bringing up things that maybe Chris and I wouldn't want to (or realize we needed to) talk about. And since that is what I think the point of pre-marital counseling is I am ok with not agreeing with everything he says - in fact that disagreement may actually make the book a more effective discussion tool.

On Wednesday I had a lady in the drive thru very emphatically tell me I look like Kate Winslet in the Titanic. It was sweet. I didn't really know what to say when she kept going on after I thanked her, but it was sweet.

Chris and I are going to G-vages today to spend some time with his family. Then tonight while the boys are out suit shopping his Mom and I will hang out and watch Mama Mia. Should be good times.

I finished Crazy Love this week and LOVED IT! I am re-reading that one (sooner rather than later).

I now have a 'grown-up' tea set and I can't tell you how excited that makes me.

The place where I love to contra has updated their site ... its intense. Looking at it made me miss contra something fierce. Hopefully I can go again soon.

I had my first paying [photo] job since graduation today. The $30 I was paid almost doubled my checking account ...

Now I get to go collect my not-so-little-baby-sister from the airport and this weekend I get to dress up for a tea party with the women in my family. 

Why is it that the music we (this we is of course applicable to everyone by virtue of applying to Catie and I) listened to in middle school is full of fond memories despite middle school being almost innately and unavoidably miserable?

Today Andre explained how much the way you light your cigarette changes its taste ... who knew? Too bad that is knowledge I have no use for (other than to post it here so that you too may know something useless).

I am loving my Regina Spektor station on Pandora.

I decided that at some point in my life I would like to see a performance by the New York City ballet. I don't have a bucket list but if I did, this would be on it.

I have made it my goal to update my photoblog daily. It is my way of pretending I am using my degree.

I have also made it my goal to read at least three books a month since graduation. I haven't precisely succeeded so far but I have read

Dec 16 - Porn Nation by Michael Leahy
An interesting read where one man discusses how he progressed from porn to sexual addiction and the havoc that played on his life.

Dec 24 - An Acceptable Time by Madeline L'Engle
It was a good bit of fiction. L'Engle has interesting ways of playing with time and seems to have an awkward relationship with the idea of the noble savage because on the one hand she refutes it, then tries to create the one exception to it with the People of the Wind. A general trend I have seen in her fiction is that she seems torn between ideas that don't seem (at least to me) to fully play out together, but they are still great stories.

Jan 5 - The Four Loves by CS Lewis
Of course I loved it. As the title suggests it is a look at the different ways we love, where those loves come from and how they affect us. It raised good questions and answered unspoken anxieties. I like Lewis so it is no surprise that I liked it.

Jan 22 - Confessions of the Ugly Stepsister by Gregory Maguire
I LOVED IT SO MUCH! Oh malanta, I personally think he is a genius in the way he crafts a shockingly convincing and realistic back story to one of the most well known and re-fitted fairy tales. It was phenomenal, set in Holland among painters during tulip mania. I really can't stop geeking out about it, I plan to re-read it soon. Although maybe I should just watch the movie '-P

Feb 4 - The Voice of Matthew by Laura Winner
Winner translates/paraphrases the gospel of Matthew (the gospel written for Jews) from her perspective as a Messianic Jew as part of the voice project (which recognizes that the bible is filled with books written by different people and is trying to translate the books in a way that allows that individuality to remain). It was good to just sit and let the story of Jesus soak in with new language and thinking about nuances I hadn't previously.

Feb 8 - His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harely Jr.
This is the book Chris and I were given for premarital counseling. I gulped it down in part because I didn't like it at all in the beginning. I am still not sure that I like it, but I think it will be a good place to begin discussions and it surely brings up some of the awkward and/or unpleasant things that Chris and I might not have gotten around to talking about on our own (which is kind of the point of premarital counseling).

Right now I am reading "Batman and Philosophy" and Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" and I am loving them both ....

Life feels so weird right now. I feel like I am in between everything and I have a million things to do and nothing at all - all at once.

I finished "Confessions of the Ugly Stepsister" last week and I loved it.

I finally starting reading the book Chris gave me for my birthday (Batman and Philosophy) and I am loving that as well.

It is my goal to read at least three books a month. In addition to posting a photo a day on my photoblog, publishing my portfolio, planning the wedding and being a non-waste-of-flesh roommate.

Catie thinks I need to learn how to relax - I think my 4 hour nap today would suggest that I know more than enough about such things.

Last night I slept in an empty house and didn't freak out about it. I know that is a silly accomplishment, but it is one that has alluded me for most of my time living at the outlet.

I have been pricing photo books (so that I can put together a portfolio summarizing my work to this point) and that will be kind of expensive, but I think worthwhile. That is my project for January.

I love little journals that fit in my pocket.

Walking is wonderful. I think I shall dress and take one now.

I am a graduate ... and sitting in my currently empty and only slightly creepy house trying to motivate myself to pack up all of my christmas things (unless of course I wanted to celebrate the russian 12 days of christmas - but I think I will spare my roommates that annoyance) and also maybe putting my clothes only on my side of the room.

I have started taking walks - trying to be more well (in a holistic sense)and ran into Dr. Chism. I had been kind of afraid to see her since I dropped off the face of the planet and never explained why I stopped coming to the class she was letting me audit. She was incredibly understanding and said we should go on a walk together and get some tea.

I look forward to it. She is high on my list professors I love and respect lots. And unlike Professor Moody - she has not appeared in my dreams as an accomplice to the people trying to kill me (talk about a distressing dream, my only solace was that Marge did not approve) '-P

I am starting to explore wine (frugally cause goodness knows I am cheap) and enjoying it.

Only one exam (and 6 days) between me and graduation ... you might think I have studied a lot, sadly you would be wrong. For someone who claims to love learning and desires to be bilingual I sure am a crummy student.

I am so thankful for my silly and sketchy fiancee who likes to plan surprises.

Also for my roommates, our house may not be perfect and I think we are all annoyed by one another at points but it is overall very good. I am excited about next semester.

Lastly I love potlucks and that is what I am cooking for now.

1 exam
2 presentations (neither of which is a big deal)
5 dollars owed for a visit to health services
13 days

woot!

I wish I was so much better as a daughter and friend and photographer ... as a barista and fiancee and housemate ... as a student and as a person in general (by which what I really mean is follower of Christ but that is something I am always afraid to call myself - especially online) ...

I wish I was better, and I hope that I will become that way over time (even if perfection is a little more than unattainable) but for now it is better that I do a few things (like call my grandfather, write my term paper, study for Spanish, and get new tires) that I can than wallow in my own imperfection (which is oh-so-tempting).

Technically my self imposed dare has been completed and I would call it a success... not that all of my images were amazing (in fact most were just barely ok) or that I was super dedicated and did it every day, but I fell back in love with photography and started doing some "real" shooting again. This process reinforced the fact that although good equipment is helpful - it is the person who makes the image not technology alone (but it reminded me just how frustrating it can be to see something but have inadequate tools to realize it). I am going to keep it up a little bit longer (at least until I graduate) so that I can stay in the habit of looking for photos because that is most important.

 

Here are some images that I did find successful ….

 

 Proper Resting - although not precisely focused, I enjoy the color and composition

 

A Beautiful Sleep - this one shocks me still that my cheapo camera phone caught it ... sometimes I think that camera phones have some of the same uses as a holga

The reason of my job

Fuzzy Color

Luminous Decay - it was a good couple of days

Listen

___ on an emotional level this may be one of my favorites - but I can't even step back enough to title it so objectivity is way out


I might try to do something with them ... who knows but really I am just glad to be shooting ...

I enrolled in my health insurance last night - it made me feel grown-up (or just a little old).

As does the fact that I am 19 days, 1 essay, 1 paper, 1 test, 1 exam, and 2 presentations away from graduating college, and about seven months away from becoming an Mrs.

Monet (the approximately 1.5 year old girl my mom has fostered for most of her short little life) has been staying with me this weekend and it has been an absolute blast. Neither I, nor any of my roommates has really had to work so we have been able to just hang out – we even made it to a park to enjoy autumn (the most joyous season in my opinion) and swings.

This morning while we were monkeying around in the kitchen, Grace commented that every day is like the fair when you are a baby and how wonderful that must be. And I have to agree I would love to get flipped around and swung up in the air all while being absolutely confident that I was safe, but really I think the best thing about being a baby (and personally I don’t think there are too many – the food certainly isn’t one) is that people constantly celebrate over you.

I don’t mean just the cooing and fascination, but as you are starting to figure out those truly basic and not so exciting things in life (like walking, talking, getting food in your stomach, opening and closing doors) everyone gets excited with you. Adults around you, who have more than mastered the art of pooping in a toilet, rejoice over even your bumbling efforts.

But for some reason the older we get the less people get excited over our achievements. In fact some times it seems that people aren’t at all because under the few congratulatory sentiments that do find their way to you there seems to always be a hint of bitterness or jealousy – but those sentiments are never offered in the face of an almost success. Although a baby’s first shaky steps are cheered, we seem more happy to mock and doubt adults who are tentatively headed into some new thing where they do not already have absolute expertise.

I wonder at what point you cross that threshold, when do you get old enough so that you are no longer applauded for learning in the midst of failing but rather judged for not having always known perfectly how to do it?

Conocí a mi prometido cuando empecé a estudiar a Winthrop. Ocurrió el segundo jueves que era aqui. Llevó una camiseta anaranjada. Andaba con muletas . No me gustaba al principio, pero ahora lo quiero mucho .

Today through my kitchen bumbling (by which I mean trying to utilize the frozen okra I bought impulsively) I discovered a combination I ADORE - chicken parmesan (sans the cheese so really it was bread chicken cooked in marinara sauce over noodles) with sauteed (I don't know if that is the technically correct word) okra

As per usual a little bit of bite mixing occurred and after the first one I simply had to stir my plate together because my mouth was almost dancing with enjoyment.

Really is shouldn't be surprising since the most common pairing for okra (once you get out of the deep fryer) is some manner of tomato.

Ahhh. Delight.

In other news I have a Spanish test tomorrow and shocker of all shockers I am not feeling prepared. You would never know I was engaged to a Spanish major with the way that class plagues me (in spite of having a generally phenomenal professor) and work was miserable ... it got off to a bad start when I left my apron & hat at home and had to come back for them then it was non-stop business because of the election (in part because we gave away free coffee to people who voted) so I never really got back on the right foot.

I was totally bummed about having to work while everyone was having a fun festive evening then a hoard of my friends came to starbucks and spent an hour chilling around even though I could only talk to them in snippets ... it made my night.

I heart my friends.